右肩の蝶 Migikata no Chou 右肩の蝶
by XaraYunn
Summary: There you are again with that girl you play games with, who's laughing so sweetly and kind. Her innocence is like the best-tasting wine; once you've had a sip you'd never stop. I wish, I wish— but that's all I've ever known to do. I could only long for things I want, but how come I can never get them? So I just sigh and cry myself silently to sleep as hell blinds me all over again.


**READ FIRST:**

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWEWY OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS. I DO NOT OWN THE SONG EITHER. PROPER CREDIT TO SEGA, SQUARE ENIX, AND ALL VOCALOIDS. ONLY THE FANFICTION IS MINE.

WARNING: BITCH ALERT! BITCH ALERT! NEKU IS A LITERAL BITCH OVER HERE, SO I'M GIVING YOU A HEADS UP. AGE GAP IS 24 (KIRYU) 16 (NEKKY). IF YOU'RE WONDERING, NEKU LIKE GOT HIRED SOMEHOW, OKAY? THERE'D BE NO FUN IF HE'S TOO OLD.

NOTE: THIS IS THE SONG _MIGIKATA NO CHOU _SUNG BY LEN/RIN KAGAMINE, PROPERTY OF SEGA. SORRY IF I DIDN'T PUT THE JAPANESE LINES; I'M NOT SO SURE IF THE DIVISION BETWEEN THEM WOULD BE EXACT.

* * *

MIGIKATA NO CHOU

_A purple butterfly, lying on your right shoulder_

_Kiss me gently in the corner of this room_

_I'll teach you what it's like to feel pain_

_Sound of a piano rebounded_

_Dissonance in my head_

* * *

There you are again with that girl you play games with, who's laughing so sweetly and kind. Her innocence is like the best- tasting wine; once you've had a sip you could never get out. I wish, I wish— but that's all I've ever known to do. I could only long for things that I want, but how come I can never get them? So I just sigh and cry myself silently to sleep, and I watch as hell blinds me for the hundredth time.

* * *

_Can you please wake me up from this dream?_

_Because I'm having a nightmare again_

* * *

Please tell me this isn't real—that you're laughing and smiling with her those same false smiles you show me. Tell me that what you feel for her is something else from what gleams in your eyes. I don't want to believe this is real, so please just whisk me off to our happy ending. You don't really mean it when you tell her you love her, do you?

I see you walking on the street with her, your hands almost touching one another's. Did you feel my heart wrench completely at the sight of your happiness? It seems so foolish to be spying, but how can I stop—if we're just a step close when we're thousands of miles apart?

* * *

_First impressions and the time that had passed_

_They are not important anymore, right?_

* * *

_"Hey, are you still open?" the door tinkles as your voice rings in the bar._

_"It's already closed." _

_"Well, may I at least have a drink?"_

_"Alright."_

I remember fetching you that bottle of tequila from behind the counter like I always did for customers. You were so beautiful yet I knew nothing of you—there was an angel sitting in front of me. Your eyes pierced through me and it sent the pieces of my heart flying so easily every time our gazes locked.

_"Hey," you finally ask as blue meets purple._

_"How much for a lap dance?"_

I just smiled as I got up from my poised stance leaning on the counter, and I went to the back to turn on the music in the sound system. I felt your eyes on me as I vanished into the doorway, and I just grinned to myself. It wasn't surprising. The moment the music kicked in I turned back with a faster pace; I guess I was afraid that you would be gone when I got back. To my relief you were still there, and as I neared the counter I slackened my pace, and I started to saunter up to you the rest of the way. Stopping at the threshold, I took off the five- inch heels I wore. I didn't bother to go to the entrance and I just heaved myself up the counter and swung my legs over it. I saw your eyes land on the white skin of my thighs, and I knew what you were thinking then. Well, I would've gladly let you have the rest of me. I went up to you shamelessly, and I didn't stop a beat before positioning myself on your lap. I entwined my legs on the back of the chair, which in turn pulled me even closer to your body to the point that it was already pressed against mine, and I closed my eyes to listen to the music. And then I started to move in a slow rhythm, making my moves as sensual as possible. I tried to interpret it and mix my soul into it as I poured out what I felt into my limbs and let them reciprocate everything that was running in my head. I felt my hips sway to the beat, and my arms flowed easily, their motions fluid and graceful. My bones glided easily over one another, and every part of my body just seemed to come alive at that exact moment. I was taken over by ecstasy, and my eyes were half- closed, just taking in everything and letting everything go in an intense dance full of passion. You said nothing, and your eyes were focused only on me as you gradually took in more sips of the alcohol you ordered. I was only halfway through when I felt a force that was resting on my lap lightly press down harder, and I stopped to see your hands squeezing lightly on my thighs. I looked at you in confusion, but deep down I was excited beyond all my senses, and you stared back wordlessly as you slipped them up into the frilly petticoat of the dress, just short of my crotch. By now, I guess you were drunk, judging from your eyes that looked at me with lust.

My words were lost and only silence spilled from my lips. Then, sound finally came forth as moans erupted endlessly from my mouth. It felt so good and so inviting—the feeling of your warm lips pressed to mine as you pulled me closer and lifted me up, forcing my lips even closer. I felt appendages that were not my own wiggle their way even deeper, under my thighs and lifting me up even higher. I warped my arms around your neck, and they only tightened as I felt them grope my ass with a hard squeeze. My head jerked up in reflex, and your hot, wet lips slid off and settled on my neck. You started to lick at the soft tender flesh, and then your mouth opened to take a bite. It clearly wasn't enough, and you started to suck at it, leaving a deep red hickey the moment you let go. You left more of those marks all over my skin, and when you delved in on a certain spot between my neck and shoulder, near my collarbone, I moaned aloud, my head snapping up again and twisting in so much pleasure. After a while your mouth allowed itself to liberate the skin there, my neck filled with those bites coated with a lot of your warm saliva, ones I promised I'd treasure eternally. You picked me up, and I pushed you down on the marble countertop as you impatiently stripped my dress that revealed so much of my petite body and covered so little, leaving me completely naked in the dim light of lamps overhead. I loved the long, thin fingers that brushed over my skin and traced lines all over it, massaging the bones and muscles all over and relieving my senses. I started to take off all of your clothing, unbuttoning your shirt and pulling it off, sliding my hands all over your perfect body in the most seducing manner I could have ever done to anyone. You let out a loud groan, and it only propelled me to give in more, so I lowered my hands into your pants, pulling them off your slim waist. I stopped for a moment to knead your hipbones, just to return the favor. The moment your pants fell to the floor, you flipped us over so you were on top, and in an instant you shoved me off the counter and slammed me into the wall, kissing me forcefully as you did so. I couldn't get enough of you, like I felt I couldn't stand five seconds in the same room with you without kissing the fuck out of you like hell. I dug my black- painted fingernails in your back, wrapping my legs around you for more support, and I used one foot to get your boxers off, though with a bit much effort. Your tongue roved around everywhere inside my mouth, tingling my taste buds with a taste which I couldn't decipher, but I loved. It only made me grind closer to you, and I knew that I would need more than just to be pressed skin to skin. And you read my mind as you draped your arms around me and carried me up to Sanae's room on the second floor, sort of stumbling up the stairs, and you dropped me on the bed and continued to make out with me enthusiastically. Nothing ever tasted better or will ever make me feel so rapturous and so blissfully alive than your kisses that were full of passion and emotion.

I fished out something from the bedside drawer, and you took it from me, leaving one hand still rubbing my shoulder, which was enough to get me hard. I watched as you lathered some of it on three of your fingers and you looked at me before you put them in me. I remember squeaking a bit as the first one came in; it felt a bit strange at first, and then you placed the second finger inside, scissoring it to widen my entrance, and then you joined the third one, wiggling it around to let me get used to you. I almost thought I would release already as you did so, and when you pulled out, I missed the feeling of it right away. You smeared some more of it all over you, and you spread my legs farther and pointed it at my entrance. I nodded to signal that you could come in, and slowly you pushed inside me, making me grip on you tighter and bury my head into your shoulder. I felt your erection inside me grow even harder, and it felt so fucking good to have you inside me. Almost immediately I let you know that it was safe to move, seeing that you were also edgy to start even if I didn't completely get used to you yet. You thrust in me slowly at first, but enough to make me whimper loudly and after a short while your speed began to increase, the snap of your hips becoming faster with every pleasured moan of mine that grew increasingly deafening. I heard a satisfied sound escape your mouth and it made me as hungry for you as you were for me. I was caught off guard as you suddenly hit my prostate and I yelled in pleasure, and it sounded so good to you that you aimed for that spot again, and you were rewarded with those screams as promised. I almost thought I would become blind as my vision turned white, and my eyes squeezed shut, and just as I thought that was all, your hand coiled around my abandoned member and you started to pump it. My back arched; something that never happened to me—you were the first to do that to me, after all, and my nails sunk deeper into the beautiful skin of your back. My arms constricted you, and I squirmed and writhed under you. I felt your body tense and ache but you kept pumping and thrusting at a fast pace, our bodies rocking to the same beat. My hands entangled themselves in your silky ashen- blonde locks, and my legs latched on your torso, my toes scrunching up in so much pleasure and my body felt like it was about to collapse from how amazing the momentum felt. My lips found their way to yours, and it only made the situation worse as your moans mixed with mine and pushed me even more, but I didn't care. I felt my climax come, and I released right into your hand. My walls clenched around your dick, and it was enough to make you reach yours, and your warm seed spilled into me and gave me comfort. You rested on top of me, unmindful of the sweat and haze. And then you just fell asleep, your bloodshot eyes looking at me one last time before both of us were completely knocked out. As I pulled you closer, unlike what I usually do to my clients after I fuck them, I took in every detail of your body, those lines, and those curves that seemed to be made perfectly to fit mine. I was never made love to until now, and it was the only time I ever felt passion and love unite me with a person. It was then that I realized that for the first time, even if I didn't know and I tried so hard not to—I fell in love.

* * *

_You asked me "Where do you want to go?"_

_An answer is something that I cannot give_

_A beautiful night deluded me and I've lost my way_

* * *

We woke up the next day, and you seemed to be more sober. One look at your lips and I couldn't help myself from kissing you deeply. You returned it to me; the fragments of the memory of how your lips moved on mine one of the only things left of you I could keep hold on.

You drew your fingers lightly in lines all over the skin I worked so hard to keep flawless so that I could serve my purpose as a sort of prostitute.

_"What time are you here?"_

_"Oh—on Sunday is my rest day, but on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, 'I'm' here."_

_(Where I'll be waiting for you even past midnight from now on)_

_"…"_

_"Will you… be coming back anytime?"_

_"Of course."_

_You shot me a smile as you got up and left to get your clothes downstairs, leave the money at the counter, and leave._

But you lied. Yes, you did come back, but you were with someone else. You were with that girl every time, and you came on days when I wasn't working as a prostitute. You would talk with her endlessly for hours— about things I didn't care about nor did I want to find about. You would torment me every time you showed her the smallest bit of affection, ordering things for her, apologizing for things that weren't even your fault, helping her with everything she had to do and treating it like it was nothing at all. I've taken to bringing my purple ear buds and my music player to work even if Sanae is against me having to. I don't care, and I find the music blaring into my ears already each time you visit. It's so loud that I couldn't possibly hear anything anymore, but every time I could hear a giggle from your lips that I missed so bad— I would press the button a few times more, forcing it louder even if it's already maxed out. And when you'd hold her hand or drape an arm around her, I would feel my heart split farther by a mile, and I would grip tightly on a small metal object hidden in my apron pocket.

It went on like this for days, and the weeks rapidly stretched into months, and each minute seemed to last for an hour. Then one day I'm just sitting behind the bar doing homework when you give her small peck on her lips. I look up to steal a glance at you at the exact moment, and suddenly everything just stops and my heart is completely crushed to bits. At first she just looks at you, and then there's a twinkle in her eyes and she just smiles. _She just— smiles at you with those eyes._ And I couldn't bear to watch you anymore as I retire to the back room where I cry like so many times before. I weep miserably and the tears spill on the floor that I lie on, curled up helplessly, but not even the wind would come and comfort me. And I just listen through the music to the happiness and harmony your souls play as one as tears leak through my eyes on the small metal thing my whole life depended on more than ever.

I shiver even more as the blade slashes my perfect skin, making cuts I didn't care about if they would affect the way I served my customers. I sob silently, and my mouth opens to let out cries of pain, but nothing comes out. I could only scream silently in my mind, trapping the sounds there as I carve out your name on my wrist. Yoshiya, wasn't it? I would never forget the way she always said it.

* * *

_Make my eyelashes longer_

_Create a crescent shape above the lash lines_

_Then using gloss to make my lips glitter_

* * *

I frown slightly as I put on a bit of my make- up for tonight. It's Wednesday again, exactly three months since the first time you came, and I hope so foolishly like always that you'd pay me a visit. My mascara and eyeliner sure make me pass for a girl for anyone and my lips are shiny with a beautiful shade of pale pink, but now I feel disgusted when someone else tastes the cherry on my lips that I put just for you. So after they hand me a tip and their number on a paper or they scrawl it on my arm, I would throw it away or wash it off as I wipe off my lip gloss and apply a fresh coat again, even if I know you wouldn't be here today. I mean sure, there were other girls who I thought were prettier than me, the type of young virgins that men always like, and men who definitely are enough to coax girls into having sex with just one look. But I was, as you could say, the 'cream of the crop'. I was everyone's favorite—well, Sanae said so—and it was true. It's usually always me that the customer would come looking for and if I was busy or tired they'd be willing to pay three times the price just for me to give them the pleasure they're looking for—the one I'd be glad to give you with only your love as payment.

_"Hey, dance a little for me, darling. You're my sweet kitty, aren't ya?"_ a man calls out from the other side. I feel tears start to build up and sting at the corners of my eyes and I twitch at the terms of endearment—or slavery the man called me. You never call me that, though I wish you would. I am yours after all, right? My thoughts drift back to you again as I hug the cold metal pole that felt familiar to me. I long to dance for you—only you, and I couldn't help but cry again as my limbs shifted around the pole, twisting, turning, wrapping, and pivoting around it, though they lacked the passion that I would give only for you. The audience cheers and yells on, and after that they leave one by one, and the last one pays and gives me a smack on the ass. I hiss at the pain, and I sit down on the couch, glad that they finally left. I sigh, and I wonder if you even remember me at all. Well, I figure that you probably wouldn't, but if you do, I'll still be here. Oh how foolish—who am I kidding—that girl is the only thing that would ever matter to you.

* * *

_A purple butterfly, lying on your right shoulder_

_Kiss me gently in the corner of this room_

_I'll teach you what it's like to feel pain_

_Sounds of a piano rebounded, dissonance in my head_

* * *

Why can't you see how much I wait faithfully for you? Don't you see the shining devotion in my eyes despite the fact that I'm forced to attend to other people's enjoyment every now and then? No, I suppose you don't notice my heart break with every second I see you with that girl—besides, giving someone pleasure without getting too serious and forgetting all about them is all I'm ever worth for, right?

* * *

_Dissonance in my head_

In the corner of the room

Dissonance in my head

* * *

Those memories replay over and over for some reason, but I just can't bring myself to turn off the loop.

* * *

_A purple butterfly, lying on your right shoulder_

* * *

Why do you keep spending your time with her when I can give you so much more?

* * *

_Kiss me gently in the corner of this room_

* * *

Doesn't your heart ache and long for me as I do for you?

* * *

_I'll teach you what it's like to feel pain_

* * *

What would it take just to show you how much you make me hurt from dropping me from Zenith to Tartarus?

* * *

_Sounds of a piano rebounded, dissonance in my head_

* * *

That's alright, just keep pressing repeat until the music player breaks.

* * *

_Standing silently out in the rain, my hair was strange and frozen in the cold_

_I was standing there and waiting there for you_

_My loneliness faded and went the down drain_

_I'm shivering and waiting for you_

* * *

I'm sitting in the shower all alone. I'm crying again, because I'm just waiting for you like that dog in the train station, even if you never come. Why, why, why? I just couldn't understand why I loved you so much even if you didn't. I bang my head back on the tiled walls as I fumble around for the lighter. I inch back so I wouldn't get any more scalded from the scorching water that had no effect despite how harshly it beat against my skin, and I light the stick before tossing the lighter aside. Gently, I put it to my mouth and I puff out some smoke with a sigh. My eyes catch sight of your name engraved forever on my wrist, and I cry even more in my remorse and sorrow. The lines are blossoming with red, and they are dripping with my blood.

_I wish it would stop flowing already._

My fist clenches tighter around the jagged blade I used only minutes ago, and I grab the small bottle nearby and pop it open. I pour a lot of its contents onto my hand, some of it spilling on the floor, and I shove it into my mouth, swallowing all of it in one go. I was so depressed, that not even the usual amount that I take when I'm like this helped me at all. Please, just love me—it's all I ever ask for.

* * *

_I chase you_

_And then run away from you_

_So chase me some more_

* * *

I see you walk home with her sometimes when I go to work, and I want to walk up to you and just tell you how bad I feel, but I stop and turn away. I'm too afraid of what to say, I guess it's just what love does to you, isn't it? I'm a coward—that's never going to change. I keep following you everywhere like a stray cat that no one would mind—but would it kill you to come after me for once?

Do I really mean nothing to you at all?

Did those feelings and passion before mean… nothing?

_"Yoshiya?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"Will it ever… be us?"_

_"Rhyme…"_

I felt so angry, and all of the emotions bottled inside me were about to explode the instant I saw that moment in front of my eyes.

* * *

_ I'm serious_

_If you think it's a joke_

_You'll get hurt, understood?_

* * *

"Hey, are you still open?" the door tinkles as your voice rings in the bar.

_(Where I'll be waiting for you even past midnight from now on)_

I freeze and I look up to see the same angelic face smiling at me. It's Wednesday again, exactly four months since the first time you came.

I stand up as you draw closer, and the moment you were close enough I slapped you hard on the face. Your head doesn't snap back to face me, and you turn it to meet my eyes slowly. You look at me with an expression that was blank and held no emotion, and even if I try so hard, I couldn't keep my voice from cracking.

_"YOU LIAR!"_ I scream in an instant when I find the voice to speak. My eyes are brimming with tears again, and I let them flow down my cheeks.

"What's wrong?" You ask concernedly, the same hollow, insincere sympathy that you always showed to everyone but her now being showed upon me. Your hand reaches up to brush the tears from my cheek, but as much as I want to hold it and cry to you, I push it away. Both of our eyes fall on the carvings made on my wrist, and you grab it and look up at me the moment you registered what they meant, but I reply only with silence. You raise it slowly, and you kiss the wounds lightly, a chaste and loving kiss filled with a trace of the passion I still remember vividly from so many nights ago. I just yank my hand away, and I fix my gaze on you before I finished what I had to say.

"You lied to me! How could you say that you would come back for me when you loved someone else? I thought that you truly loved me and you shared what I felt for you—don't you see how faithful I am waiting for you, when I'm supposed to be the slut running back? All of this—the people I hate but I'm forced to be a source of enjoyment for—they mean nothing! I- I love you, and I thought you did too—but all the while I was just there so I could make you feel better. I was just your toy—you'd have fun with me for a while and then toss me aside when you're feeling alright again. I-I—!"

I couldn't finish my sentence anymore and you just looked at me, as if you weren't listening at all, and your hand cups my face and pulls it a bit closer. My eyes widen and my breathing grows heavy as I back up little by little until I'm pressed against the wall. But you take no heed to my warning, and you leap over the counter and walk up to me, so terrified and unknowing of what to do next after pouring out everything I've been keeping only to myself. Then, you come so close to me that I could feel your breathing on my face, and I'm so tempted to kiss the fuck out of you.

"You— just sto— _ahh_!"

I try to push you off, but instead you catch my wrist, and you close the space between us. It's happening all over again, and I resist at first, but my aching heart gets the best of me, crying out loud that it wants to have that one thing it's been yearning for—you. The tears stream continuously down my face as I surrender to your hold on me. It feels so good and so inviting—the feeling of your warm lips pressed to mine, even if I know that the bond between us is broken. The strangest thing is that I couldn't help my intuition but feel that I had to give everything to you. Well, that is what I am supposed to do right? Be someone else's sex toy? But—there is love in here… isn't there?

I envelope you in my arms and I pull you closer to my body; well, I better enjoy this while it lasts. I immediately grant you entrance, and a familiar feeling comes back as your tongue starts to explore the insides of my mouth. I easily give you dominance and our tongues clash forcefully, turning all of the anger and hate into passion that I'm taking out on you. I let out stifled sounds, and they eventually turn into moans that make you want more.

* * *

_ Painted red nails_

_And a cheap ring on my finger_

_Every time I get hurt_

_I buy new earrings_

* * *

Your hands that rested on my small waist lift me from the wall so they could go over my back. They drum lightly on the groove embedded deeply into it, and they pull at the ribbon tied on the laces so the knot comes undone.

I dig my red- painted fingernails in your back, nails sliding off the smooth cloth of your blazer and I grab your collar to tug it off, but your arms were locked around me and hands were pulling on the laces and sliding sleeves off my beautiful shoulders. You sense that it's getting too hot, so you just shrug off your blazer and toss it off somewhere.

Meanwhile your tongue is still busy tasting everything in my mouth, as if trying to remember a sort of flavor that was long forgotten. I never forgot the way that your teeth felt against my tongue as I scraped against it, the way your moans just spilled into my mouth. And the way your tongue just brushed against mine and pleasured every part it touched with just the most delicate of touches, it just— I- I couldn't explain it. We break apart for air, and we just watch each other, both of us breathing heavily and when you catch your breath, you smile as you run a hand through my silky hair, almost flattened down from all of this. Your other hand reaches up to tilt my chin upward and you cast a look on my lips shining in the light before you crash your lips on them, tasting the cherry once more that could never drown out the taste of me.

"You know Neku," you say as a hand lets go of my hair to grab a bottle from behind. You pop off the lid and take a long swig of it before dropping your hand, but not letting the bottle go. "It's not quite polite to put words in people's mouths. I never said that I loved her, hmm?"

"Well then," I say seductively while kicking my shoes off and letting the thinly covered soles of my feet come in contact with cold marble. Though our heights are now unleveled by a few inches or so, it doesn't stop me from becoming increasingly submissive each second, and I grab the bottle of tequila from your hand and take a drink, the dribbles running down my chin licked off clean with a sense of alluring even down to the strokes. As I push you down slowly on the marble countertop again, I lean in closer so that my eyes that held a captivating look in them would have maximum effect. "Think of this as… a sort of amendment, then."

I claim your lips in a slow, hot kiss, moaning as your tongue slides across mine. The smooth wet muscle runs along the molars and gum lines in your warm, welcoming mouth, memorizing each detail even more and embedding it deeper in my memory. You groan as my tongue finds a sensitive spot, and I run over it once more so I could hear that sound again. I missed that sound filling my ears, and your saliva mixes with mine once more. The taste of alcohol stings like electric as your tongue runs lightly on the insides of my cheek and all over my palate, and it sends chills down your spine. I grind closer to your body, wanting, longing for you even more as the friction between cotton and silk becomes unbearable. I raise one knee on the counter as I begin to unbutton your shirt, revealing more of your ivory skin with each that came undone, and your hands stop drawing patterns on my back and instead they trail down the skirt and down to the farthest part they could reach. They don't budge, so I put my hands down, not dropping the shirt that I just peeled off your skin and I'm clutching on to so desperately already. My hands alight gently on yours and without breaking the kiss I guide them up, your fingertips tickling my skin as they skim over stocking- covered parts and bare skin in an instant, gliding over satin ribbon before reaching the uppermost part. I'm wearing this silk panty, though I've never tried doing it before, and I feel your lips curl into a smirk as you trace the sides lightly. I moan in pleasure, and my breaths turn into pants that grow deeper as you trace the bulge on it tantalizingly. I feel like I'm about to come already as you reach inside to pump it, my erection becoming harder with each pump. Then, your fingers uncoil themselves from my need and before I could complain about anything, you pull the panty right off. It slides easily down my thighs and on the floor as I step out of them, your hand gripping on to my cock even more, and continuing to pump it with a fast tempo. I moan loudly and I drop the single piece of clothing that I managed to get off your skin myself, and I break off the kiss as I let the unbearable burning in my lungs subside for a while. Your hand starts to shake but it continues to pump, eventually gripping on my balls as well which took me by surprise. I gasp in pleasure and I could feel something start to build up down there, and suddenly the temperature in that area goes sky- rocketing high. I pull you closer as you kick your shoes and socks off, and your lips get impatient so they latch themselves on my earlobe, licking the shell of my entire ear before sucking at it. I shudder as your warm, wet lips suck expertly at the flesh, and one by one you use your teeth and that deft tongue of yours to take off my earrings. That's strange, I wonder as you spit out the fourth one. I didn't know that I had four piercings—was I really that depressed and longing for you?

After releasing sensitive skin from tight iron clasps, you enjoy and take pleasure in having all of it for yourself, dipping your tongue inside my ear and giving it a damn good lick before letting it retreat.

"Ahh—_SHIT_!" I breathe out heavily as I cum into your hand. My sticky load is dripping off your palm, trickling down between the spaces of your fingers and running down your wrist. My dress slips off even more, and a considerable amount of skin is revealed from it. You give me a deep kiss before proceeding to chew on my neck, renewing marks that have faded greatly and making new ones. There are more now than I remember, but no words are exchanged at it. Your hands move down and pull my stockings off along with them, my seed being smeared all over my right thigh as your hands pull off completely another garment. My silky white legs are no longer hidden from view, and greedily you grab hold of me and pull me closer. You pull me into another kiss, and I return it so desperately and so fervently—like I would lose you if I didn't. I could tell we were both savoring the moment immensely and just then your hand lands on something wet and sticky. You break off almost reluctantly to look down at it, and you smile widely.

"Oh how clumsy of me—let me clean that up," you say with a giggle, your voice full of lust and greed.

"Wh- wha?" I moan a bit and I open my eyes to look at you just in time to see you swoop down and start licking my cum right off my thighs. I squeak at the tickling sensation and it made me squirm in your grip, but you kept one hand securely around my back and on my waist, and the other hand holding my thigh up in a steady height. As my leg is being hoisted up even further, I rest it on your shoulder to give adequate leverage (and not to mention a good view of my dick). My other leg folds itself around your back to pull myself closer, and I am already sitting on your lap. Once the cum is completely licked off, even on the underside of my thigh, you give my balls a last squeeze before letting me put my leg down. I start to feel pins and needles poking at my legs from the position I was in earlier, and I whimper at it, but I force myself to ignore it instead. Upon seeing the small pained expression, you smirk as you begin to kiss me again while massaging the aching part. Fingers glide over the skin, and I feel so fucking euphoric from the gentle pressing and rubbing on my skin.

"Feeling a little better, dear?" you ask as your tongue races along my jaw.

In between shaky gasps I nod wordlessly before I take a few breaths and start kissing you again, even if I didn't fully regain strength yet. I work on your pants and I slide it off with your boxers in a single movement, and you wiggle out the rest of the way. Now I'm just sitting on your bare skin, and it's enough to make me unwind my arms from you just to pull the dress over my head. You cast me a smirk as you plant soft, feathery kisses all over my stomach and chest before pressing our heated bodies together. Gorgeous violet orbs clouded over with so much desire look straight into wide, striking cobalt ones, also overflowing with the urge to just feel and not think. I've wanted this for so long—to feel you against me, whispering words of love and comfort in my ear and listening to my vows of eternal faithfulness, savoring moans and touches here and there and leaving beautiful scars that reach much deeper than just the skin, yet it felt like something was holding me back—is it because I'm afraid, or is it simply just because of that girl I refuse to believe you don't love? But those thoughts are whisked away as you kiss me again. I hug you tighter despite the fact that my ribs are already burrowing into your skin, and summoning a lot of energy, I slide off and lead you into the doorway of the counter. I drop on the huge sofa where customers usually sit and watch me strip or dance for them. Finally, I actually appreciate that wretched piece of furniture I used to despise so much and I found so useless. Your lips just feel so damn good, and I feel like I could die without any regrets. I grip on the covering, nearly ripping it already from all of the pleasure that coursed through my body. My limbs ached and I felt so drained of energy, but the single thought of you with me just kept me going.

An idea crosses my mind, and as I switch our positions as my lips slide off yours and I hear you whine a bit at it. You try to kiss me keep me from leaving, but instead your soft lips trail down my neck and off to a part between my neck and shoulder. You bite down hard, and I mewl at the contact. You abandon that spot as I slide down lower and lower, lips brushing over warm skin, until I stop just a little below your hips, right between your legs. You stop and look at me with questioning, and I cast you a smirk before I dip my head and start to suck at your hard on. You groan loudly, and your head tips back, your hands grasping and pulling at my orange hair styled into spikes as I continue sucking with alternating pressures, making extra use of my tongue to swirl it around and lick sensitive parts which make your hips buck closer. I keep the tip of my tongue running around in circles on the underside of it, and your hips instantly slam into me. The head of your dick nearly touches the back of my throat, and I smile as I suck the whole length, deep- throating it, as if I wanted to swallow it all down. The moment the shaft touches the back of my mouth, a familiar gag reflex makes my eyes tear up and I nearly cough out what was blocking the passageway, but I will myself to suppress the pain—if only to make you happy. It's your turn for your hands to dig and claw at the small of my back, and I start to bob my head. You swear under your breath, and you reach your end as you come inside my mouth. I smirk, and I feel your eyes on me, as if expecting me to spit it out. Making sure that you were watching, I lean my head back, cracking one eye open to look at your reaction as I drink it down in one gulp. You just lie there casually, catching your breath, your position just captivating, so damn sexy and just so… dominating. Then, your mouth stretches into a wide smile before you reach forward and take me again. I fall on top of you and I rub my foot all over your legs in an attempt to quiet down the sudden ripping and thrashing in my chest which didn't help at all. I wasn't just hungry and pleading for you—I was rapacious, desperate, insatiable—I knew that I wouldn't stand it much longer if I'd have to live another stupid day without the one that I swore to love solely and promised to give everything for. Arms and legs entangle in each other like a messed up cord, and we fall onto the glass floor, the pain only a dull throbbing in my body compared to the pleasure that flared and burned and spread throughout my soul. Your mouth nibbles on my lips, getting it redder and more swollen than ever. Hands flutter all over my midriff and trace lines everywhere, and it makes me wonder how someone could get a prostitute like me so pleasured like this. My legs twist around you, and the need for you to be in me starts to build up rapidly once more. We still continue to kiss vehemently, and it feels as if you're nearly eating me already, which I would've loved anyway. You carry me up the stairs one more time, hands resting on my ass, and you kick the door of Mr. H's room open. You slam me into the wall across the door, not even bothering to close it, and my back hits the window. It feels so cold against my skin, so I use it as an excuse to press myself closer to you. I feel a smirk in the kiss, and it only makes me lean in more. We finally break off for air, and you just look at me with an expression in your eyes that I recognized easily and longed to see. You peel me off from the ice- cool surface of the window and push me on the bed instead. It's the same scenario again, and nothing changed—except that this isn't the first time an angel's going to fuck me. You rummage through the drawer for a lubricant, and you find the same crinkled bottle of lube that we used before. It's nearly empty, but it's enough for tonight. I take it from your hand and I smear some of it all over your fingers, making sure that even the spaces in between were covered. Immediately you stick two fingers already into my entrance and you start wiggling them a bit before scissoring my entrance wide open. I gasp and a trail of saliva is still connecting our lips, the gloss completely wiped off from mine and yours shining with both of our saliva mixed together. I moan as you thrust them in and out of me, and I crumple the tube in my hands, the last of its contents squirting on my palm.

"S-s-to-p… b-being… such a- a te-ea-as-e…" I manage to choke out, my chest heaving with every breath as I try to say something understandable despite the pleasure. I drop the lube and I grip on your cock harshly, lathering it all over with the substance all over my palm. You groan loudly, and your lips latch on one of my nipples, making me squirm in your strong hold even more as the nub becomes hard, and you proceed to make the other one numb as well. I inhale sharply, and my fingers tighten themselves around your cock. A moan escapes your mouth and you growl a bit at the sudden grasping down there. Simultaneously you make out with me again as you stick in the third finger, wriggling it around to help me regain the feeling of you in me. After making sure that I smeared the whole length, I nod and you pull out those nimble digits of yours that often laced themselves between her fingers, but when they had the chance to touch me they would claim every inch of skin possible, running over it easily as if it were some precious glass or porcelain. Barely did you give me time to breathe before you come inside. I start panting again, and a long, sexy moan just emanates from the back of my throat, beckoning you to start thrusting. Immediately my wish is granted, and you pull out excruciatingly slowly until only the tip of it is left in me. You pause for a split second, and then you slam right back inside. I let out a pleasured sound that reverberates through the room, and you smirk before you withdraw your length and ram into me again. This time you hit right on my prostate, and I yell in satisfaction, savoring it. It felt so fucking good that I was sure I would break all the fucking windows. You keep your thrusts at a steady pace, aiming for that sweet spot which you hit every time, and the moans and wailing just increased in volume that they were blaring into my ears already.

"Mmm… Neku, you're so fucking tight—I thought you were a prostitute," you breathe out, lust dripping from the tone of it. Shit, even the way you talk is just damn sexy. I simply ignore the last statement, only paying attention to the complement as I search desperately for something to reply even if the pleasure was more than just ripping me apart.

"Nngh… F-a-ahh… F-f-as-ter…" I say in between labored breaths, my body aching as I desired more than anything else to give both of us what we wanted so bad.

Flashing that devilish, beautiful Cheshire grin of yours, you pick up the speed rapidly, but not missing a single beat. I love how every snap sends a wave of satisfaction coursing like white- hot liquid through my veins. I take your lips and I start kissing you hard like you'd be gone the moment I open my eyes and like I'd lose everything if I didn't. I feel my cock getting wetter and more uncomfortable, and the burning was nearly unbearable, but I didn't care. The next thing I know, you pull out slowly. Breaking off, I whine and I pout at you, eyes completely obscured with a glaze full of much more lust than I'd ever imagined I'd feel.

"M-m-ore… please?" I beg, uncaring of how pleading I sounded at the moment. Beads of sweat trickle down my forehead and my body, and my chest is red all over from the heat, and you looked just about the same. Your ashen- blonde hair was messed up, but it still framed your face beautifully and the tresses nuzzled your shoulders like an angel's.

There is no reply, but instead you swiftly pull me into a sitting position and turn me over so that I'm on my knees and my weight is focused on my hands that are resting on the wall above the headboard. For those few seconds I felt incomplete, but when you shoved yourself inside me once more, stars filled my vision and only the thought of you raced around my blank mind. You hit right on that sensitive spot each time, abusing my prostate in a way that I enjoyed entirely. With each thrust satisfied groans tumble from your mouth, and more of my screams join them in unison. You reach out to start pumping my dick, and that's when everything is just spinning around already like the hands of a clock. I moan, yell, cry so piercingly loud for all I care, and my knees are about to buckle from all the pleasure. My hands search for anything—just anything to grasp on to and they scratch the wall, leaving shallow but visible marks in their wake. I grip frantically on the grails of the headboard, the soft kneading of your fingers as they pumped and caressed even my balls not helping. I keep trying to quiet myself down, but no matter how hard I bite my lips I couldn't clamp them shut. Those sweet strings of melodies that flow from those soft lips I long to kiss just make me want to let everything out. Then, I feel a sudden release as warm seed spills into me. Your thrusts don't slow down while you ride out your orgasm, and it's enough to make me emit sounds uncontrollably. My climax too is coming to an end, and I release into your hand. I squeeze my eyes shut and sigh contentedly as my load squirts all over your palm, the bed sheets, and even on the wall, which makes you giggle as a response. When I empty myself completely, I shudder as you pull out for the last time and I let go slowly of my death grip on the now-grimy railings. I turn around before dropping, and I pull you down with me over to my side.

"Ow…"

"Sorry," I sort of purr apologetically, and I just rest my head on your chest and snake my legs around your body to keep you from going. I lick and kiss acquiescently on the flesh that I didn't want to ever be separated from my body, trying to show my love for you.

With a sigh you face towards me a bit more and pull me closer. Flaxen- colored curls tickle my face, our bodies adhering together and immovable from the sweat and heat all over the room like it's burning at a hundred degrees. You give me a kiss on my forehead which makes me blush a deep red, and you only giggle as you give me a last ardent kiss on my swollen lips before falling asleep.

(~*~)

Well, it was beautiful while the night lasted, but I didn't want it to end, no matter how much it'd hurt—because morning was what I feared the most. You were going to leave again, weren't you? Well, that's how it goes; I tend to a customer, give a drink or something, and then I'll entertain the person for a while. And if the client's really enjoying it, they ask me to dance, strip, or even make me sleep with them. Well, I do most of the fucking while they just moan there like hell.

I used to think that it wasn't that bad if I did it for a reason which was to earn money, but now I feel utterly disgusted at my own actions. My body's terribly filthy; it's been used over and over again like a rag that just keeps being washed, and I'm surprised it isn't worn out yet. No matter how much I tried to drift into a peaceful sleep, I couldn't help but cry and cry the whole night and cling on to you even more. And the worst part wasn't just that I'd have to do it for a long time until I get out of this wretched place and move on with my life, it was that you were going to go away again, living your life loving that girl like you didn't care and tearing my heart to shreds after sewing the scraps back up again. I don't care how much the needle hurts— just make the pain go away.

(~*~)

It's only 5:00 when you wake up; the sun hasn't even poked up over the horizon. At first you stir a bit, and then your eye cracks open. A tiny fraction of violet can be seen, and the vivid color almost sets me into a trance. Then both your eyes flutter open completely, and you blink a few times to get the sleepiness off. You look straight into my gaze, and give me a smirk before you try getting up. But you don't budge any more than an inch or two. The smirk is wiped off your face and replaced by a small frown of confusion, and it's only then that you realize that you're in a sitting position and you're handcuffed to the grails of the bed.

"What the?..." you yank your hands a few more times but to no avail, and you turn back to see two big sapphire orbs glistening with tears that are almost about to spill down.

"Neku…" you begin, letting out an exasperated sigh. It's enough to make the tears start gushing down my face like they'd never stop. I cry and shudder, and my frail body's shaking violently as if I'm being possessed by a demon. I lean forward and kiss you with all the soul I have left to give. I try to tell you how much I want you so bad, to feel you close to me and knowing that you'd never leave me cold and hungry, to devote everything for you just to make you happy, to sacrifice anything just to have at least a mere minute of you loving me, and to feel—to feel… loved.

The kiss is returned, which gives me even a tiny bit of happiness that maybe for a fleeting moment you really did mean what you said. When I run out of breath, I snuggle my head into the space of your neck, where it fits perfectly like it's the missing puzzle piece that would be gone in a while, leaving the whole picture unfinished—my picture—which is useless and nothing without you. I lick and kiss it endlessly, savoring the taste before I regret not doing so when you swear your faithfulness to someone else who isn't me. And I reach up to whisper just a few words in your ear:

"Please stay. Please."

With another sigh you kiss the crown of my head before trying to reason out.

"But Neku, you know that—"

"No! I don't want you to go. You're just going to—to…" I couldn't muster anything from all the strangling sounds and the sobbing. I try to swallow the huge lump that rose in my throat, but I just couldn't. I was crying so much that I could say nothing that was understandable in between all the choking. "You're j-just g-go-ing-g t-to… t-to l-l-lea-ave aga-ain… f-for h-her-r…" I finish my sentence, but I say the last part mostly to myself, even if you most probably heard it too.

It really pained me to think that you were so much happier with her when she wasn't trying when I'm willing to give up everything for you just to love me. It was like a vacuum sucked out everything in my chest, compacted it into a tight ball of mashed up bits of emotion and nothingness before it exploded. But what the hell matters—I'll just die anyway—hell, I'd probably die tomorrow already. What with all the drugs, the drinking and the depression—well I wouldn't care. I'd probably die with a huge grin on my face in my grave. And you wouldn't give a single shit about me in my deathbed, wouldn't you?

Slowly, I retreat from my position after a few more minutes of a final goodbye. I reach behind you to unlock the cuffs that were my last chance of keeping you forever. Even if one side of me didn't want to let go, I knew that I had to. I had no control over my body as I slide off your lap and onto the cold blankets that covered the soon-to-be empty bed. Well, they always did say if you truly love something set it free. But to my surprise you give me one kiss and a loving stroke on my face.

"This won't be the last time you'll see me, Neku," and with those words you get up and walk to the door. Before you close the door, you stop midway, and without looking back, you bid your last words.

"And I don't love her, dear."

And with that, you walk out the door back to the busy world of the day, leaving me here to fade along with little trifling things that people forget easily and remember only every now and then at times they have to spare. I try to believe you—I want to believe you, and I manage a small sad smile, but the moment I do it falters and breaks, like how I crumble in an instant when I see you smile for someone else. I curl up once again, tucking my knees to my chest like a child who's so lonely and afraid of the dark woods. Clutching on to the bed sheets like I'm so afraid to lose my dear life, I twist and turn it in my hands, and I break into tears again. But this time there's no sound; it's just the pure haunting silence playing a sweet melody that screeches its notes in a cacophony of a symphony in my ears until it makes me deaf.

* * *

_Hold me tighter, because I have a black hole in my body_

_You're the only one who can fulfill my heart_

* * *

Unable to keep hold of anything anymore, I lunge for the bedside drawer. I throw out all of its contents to find the one thing I needed that was buried under the heap of useless things. I grab the cold black metal with shaking fingers, and stroke it lovingly, as if it was a precious treasure I knew I would lose instantly.

_ I wish that the last thing I touched would've been you instead._

I draw back slowly holding the murderous contraption close to me. As I lie down for the last time, pulling a wire out of the drawer along with the very thing that was to end my life, I slip on the slightly tattered purple buds in my ears that were worn from hearing all the noise, but right now I needed it the most so I finally rest in quiet peace. I switch it on, and press the same button that's almost gotten off loose from the continuous jabs of my finger. Funny, I think as I curl up on the sickly white bed sheets that I'm going to paint with a livelier and fresher shade of red— don't they say that people who keep guns with them become more careful and value life more? Ironic, since it doesn't really show, don't you think?

* * *

_Aren't you the one? You know you are_

_You make me lose control, and I can't help myself at all_

* * *

Please come back and swear that you'll love me, that you're the one for me. I belong to you—no one else, you know that too, right? I own no control anymore over my own body; you're the only one who I'll obey. I can't do this anymore—living without feeling anything—living a life that I enjoy nothing of! Everything is just spiraling into oblivion, and you aren't there to pull me out of this nightmare—why? I would give up anything, just _anything_ for you to stop me from spinning like berserk. You made me like this, so now I'll give you what you rightfully own and deserve.

* * *

_I'm so regretful, that I want to die _

_Which one do I have more, my pleasures or my pity?_

* * *

I'm not worth living – or dying for. I don't even deserve to live. I hate being used over and over like a recycled piece of junk, but I just can't help myself. I would give up an eternity of suffering just for a moment of pleasure and ecstasy. Sure like what my idol said, "Expand your horizons, live the moment," ah yes, it feels so good to savor the self- gratification of a hedonistic life I'm living, but later on I cry because I'm so unclean, so impure unlike before. I hate that I just keep giving in without even fighting back and regretting my actions later on when I haven't done anything to stop them. I hate it because I can't give anything to you anymore. I hate everything, I hate my life, I hate this place, I hate that girl, I hate you, but most of all I hate myself for loving you so fucking bad and running back to you every time, letting go of the rubber band to hurt you like you do to me but ending up hurting myself and begging on my knees for a second chance. I hate that I can't live without you, and I hate it when I say I hate you and don't mean it at all. I hate how you got me trapped into this mess, and how I'd love you every second and let it go all at once. Hate, hate, hate, I always thought it would be my best friend, but it betrays me all the time, turning it into love—it hurts like the fact once you're with me, you send me up to heaven before letting me crash down again. But— I love the pain that you're giving me, don't I? Otherwise I wouldn't be like this, so probably I'll just keep hating myself more so I could learn to love you even more.

* * *

_Stop me please, or I will end up mad _

_Make me come off _

_And kill me right away_

* * *

This is the last time I'll be calling to you; I can't believe that my guardian angel didn't come when I needed him the most. Heh, and my mother always said that your prayers would be answered, but I guess this is one of those that wouldn't be granted. But please, can't I ask you one more favor if you can't love me? If you would cause me this suffering, won't you take it away from me then? Come back, please and pull the trigger, just end my life instead of tormenting me in this agony. You hate it when I keep pleading for you when you look down at a prostitute like me in utter disgust, who's only worth throwing away after providing due pleasure, I know you do, so why don't you do us both a favor and put a stop to all of it.

I wait for a few seconds, and I hope so foolishly like always that you'd pay me a visit—a last one. Well, if you're not coming, then I better just do it myself, shouldn't I—I would make us both happy that way. I hear the distant clicking of the lock as it shifts in place, and a rattling of keys as they are being scraped on the marble counter where we once lay down together. I smile at the distant memory, and I realize that Sanae would be here in a few minutes, but that's more than enough time to spare. With fingers trembling violently, almost about to drop the gun, I steady myself and take a deep breath not anymore for the reason that all air would be sucked out of me, but for the reason that I could calm myself down the slightest bit. I smile as a single tear runs down my face, and I muster enough courage to say a little prayer. My finger curls around metal, and I wipe away everything with just a simple pull of a trigger.

(~ * ~)

The blasting music melts away into a fuzzy static, and my vision is obscured by splotches of the deepest red. I stare down at my hands that are tainted with the same color, and I want to scream in instinct, but the blood blocking my throat only let me choke out more of the substance that covered my chest, and was spreading rapidly on my body and the bed sheets. I gag on my own blood as I try to spit out your name, but nothing but a garbled string of meaningless sounds comes out. I grin contentedly with blood painted lips at the only noise I could emit from my mouth, and the bounding of footsteps as they rushed into the room as the person called out my name only grows farther each second.

_"Neku, Phones, Phones, wake up! Shit, what the fuck did this kid get himself into!?"_

Sanae's voice is just a mere shadow in the background, and I still have enough energy to make out the beeping of the phone as Sanae's fingers fumble around on it, hollering into the speaker for an ambulance, but I knew it was too late. Slowly, I close my eyes and drift into a peaceful sleep—though it's only lonely and despair without you.

_"The ambulance is on its way," _the voice rings through the speaker, now just a small voice hovering back in the distant past.

_"It's alright kiddo, you're gonna be fine,"_ a voice reassures me as it tries to keep me from slipping into the verge of darkness, but I could already feel Death's Angel welcoming me into its arms…

* * *

_What leaked out of the wound is love or, ah..._

* * *

I taste the blood on my lips, and the burning sensation of venom washes down my throat. It's full of hate and bitter anger, but I enjoy its taste and I easily become addicted to it. There is something that isn't quite right though, something else is in it. The sweet but painful feeling invigorates me, though I don't feel so alive. It's just then that I realize that the emotions are flowing out from me. It hurts to think over my life about everything, and as I go over memories for the last time, I start to cry because even if I'm slowly dying, it doesn't change the fact that I still love you and I hurt every time you utter a single syllable of love to her. How foolish was I to think that I could erase everything with just a twitch of my finger. You would still go on living the life that was devoid of any thought of me, the life that was focused solely on aspiring and thriving and most of all, _loving. _ It just fucking _hurts_.

* * *

_I'm so regretful, that I want to die_

* * *

Well, nothing matters anymore—not even my existence does, so what makes my death worth anymore value?

* * *

_Which one do I have more, my pleasures or my pity?_

* * *

To try and weigh down everything would just result to a pitifully heavy burden on my back, and I would just collapse if I wasn't broken already.

* * *

_Stop me please, or I will end up mad_

* * *

Just one more time, if you really care, please be there for me this time.

* * *

_Make me come off_

* * *

I always told myself that I could live on my own, that I have my own values, but right now I'm too weak and I need someone to hold me more than ever.

* * *

_And kill me right away_

* * *

So do yourself a favor and just end all this madness for me—besides, I know that it would only affect you skin-deep.

(~*~)

All of a sudden, everything goes blindingly white.

"Am I… in heaven?"

I hear a raspy voice call out, and I'm surprised to find that it's my own. The faces looming above me are hidden in a blur; they're speaking in an entirely foreign language I couldn't comprehend. Maybe the words just don't register in my mind, I don't know. The people are busy bustling about, shouting a few words here and there. Some I recognized, others I didn't, but all I knew was that they were focusing on the person in danger—me. I caught a glimpse of the most beautiful shade of violet in front of me, and the man's face hovered above mine. I couldn't understand him, but his hair, a rich shade of ashen-blonde—it was strangely familiar. He was so beautiful yet I knew nothing of him—there was an angel standing in front of me. I try to search in my thoughts for you, but I could feel my grip getting weaker. So I just smile to myself and let my eyelids shut close, and fall back into eternal darkness.

(~*~)

"Phones, Phones! You there? Wake up! ..."

A voice, this time of someone else's, calls back to me. Curious, I slowly open my eyes to be greeted by the same blindingly white light I saw before. I instinctively move my hand to shield my eyes, and that's when they snap open. I'm not… dead? My eyes adjust to the surroundings, and I see white walls, white chairs, white tables, a white door, white bed sheets completely unstained by the tiniest drop of red, and a tube running from my wrist to an IV fluid bag right beside the bed. I survey the surroundings first, and I realize that I made it to the hospital—and they were able to save me. The voice cries out again in joy, and I turn my head to my right to see a man in his early thirties clad in a barista outfit making all of the noise. Behind ever present shades, I see a small tear lingering in his eye before he quickly wipes it off.

"Sanae… is that you?" I question, still not believing that I'm still alive. Probably I'm just dreaming.

"Phones, you're okay! God, you scared the shit outta me! Don't do that again, it cost me a fortune!" He adds with a chuckle though I know he's only joking.

But instead of leaping with joy and laughing along, I stare agape at the wall ahead of me, a million thoughts running through my head. My mouth is just hanging open, but not even the most monotonous, melancholic, robotic laugh comes out. No, no, no, this can't be right! I fucking shot myself right through my fucking heart, so how come I'm still alive in this living hell!? Don't you get it—I ended my life, I quit, I wanted game over, but I'm still trapped in the same hell hole I had to begin with! The bullet missed my heart—that's the only explanation I could give, but how could it when I aimed so carefully, so closely, because I just wanted to put a fucking stop to everything? I am willing to give you literally everything, that I'd let no one have my heart if you couldn't have it, and I gladly swept the pieces away for you by just erasing my own existence, yet it clearly wasn't enough. What more would it take for you, what more do you want? Why torment me like this and make me suffer in this kind of demise if I would let you have everything? Why, why, why, I just can't understand!

A tear starts rolling down my face, then two, then three, and before I know it I'm crying more than an ocean, and I'm screaming already in agony.

* * *

_Hold me tighter, because I have a black hole in my body_

_You're the only one who can fulfill my heart_

* * *

_"WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT, YOSHIYA?! WHY, WHY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH I WANT ALL OF THIS TO JUST FUCKING STOP? I'M DOING IT FOR YOU, ONLY YOU, AND HELL, I'LL BE WILLING TO DIE FOR YOU! YOU CAN'T EVEN LOVE ME, AND ALL I ASK FOR NOW IS TO DIE, BUT YOU WON'T LET ME! ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT YOUR LIES ARE THE ONLY THING I'M HOLDING ON TO, ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT I'M STANDING ALL OF THIS FUCKING PAIN FOR YOU?! TELL ME, WHAT THE HELL COULD YOU FUCKING WANT ANYMORE?!"_

* * *

_Aren't you the one? You know you are_

_You make me lose control, and I can't help myself at all_

* * *

I'm screaming my fucking head off, that I'm sure I'm being exercised of a demon that possessed me long ago but won't go away. I'm shaking so violently, far worse than an earthquake, and the bed is already rattling from my outburst. My face is so fucking red, and the tears just won't stop anymore—the limit's already broken beyond any repair. My whole body's drenched in sweat and tears, and I'm flailing my limbs at anyone who even dares to touch me. Sanae already pressed the button, and he's trying to hold me down as the nurses rush in to strap me on the bed before it gets any worse. I lash out viciously as I cry out your name, filling the room with the mocking sounds that only reflect back at me, but they're too strong that they're successful in pinning me down. Sanae casts me a last worried look and shouts out through my tears that I'd be okay as they usher him out of the door. My screaming doesn't dare to cease, no matter if I'm tied up or not—don't you see how much you've driven me to the extent of my limits? They then resort to their last option, and out of the corner of my eye, I catch a nurse pull out an injection, and he stabs it right on my neck. The pain is only minimal, but my screams that were once at a threateningly high volume start dying down. As the needle withdraws, I still continue to scream, but all the energy is draining out of me quickly, and I lie back down in defeat before sleep starts taking me again.

* * *

_A purple butterfly, lying on your right shoulder_

_Kiss me gently in the corner of this room_

* * *

It's been a week since I've been discharged from the hospital. I'm on my way to school this time, and you know what I'm thinking of. You know what, even if I'm so sick and tired of it all, I just can't get enough. I keep coming back for more, even if I only get hurt. Crazy and delusional is what you'd call me, but I can't help it, I am a masochist after all, right? The two of you are just too perfect for each other; you're more than just one soul in two bodies, and you enjoy seeing me hurt so bad, like it's some sick, hilarious joke you'd see on television. I just resort to the new mannerism I've developed of biting my lip so I could ease the pain. My wrist is aching to be slashed, I know it, and so I run my hands through the rose bushes along the gate before entering the establishment. Faint lines appear all over my arm, and a new found kind of pain spreads up my arm. I just smile to myself, ah, I will never change, but what matters if I do?

* * *

_I'll teach you what it's like to feel pain_

_Sound of a piano rebounded, dissonance in my head_

* * *

How I've longed to show you how much pain you've inflicted on me so far, but it seems like I never get a chance to. I could only long for things that I want, but how come I can never get them? Stop being a coward hiding behind your fortress walls and meet me face to face.

_It's useless._

A voice lingers around at the back of my mind, and it grows louder and louder as it resonates everywhere like an evening chime.

_What do you mean?_

I ask the same question that I've asked so many times before, so many times that the words have been etched right on my soul.

_Don't you see, you're just a fool to let your own guard down. Look where it's gotten you—all that's left of you are the remnants of a once bright and naïve soul, broken down by your own stupidity and foolishness. All it's brought you is pain and grief, and yet you are too blind to see it. Or is it just that you don't want yet to admit that you care that much?_

I couldn't bear to be in war with myself; I knew that the voice was right. I was willing to bear all of the pain and be split to the center of my core all for you, because I was so blinded by love. But I can't help myself at all—I know that I am doing what's right, am I not? I just don't want to admit that I care more than I say I do, and that side always gets the better of me. I really do care, and perhaps you do too. Oh how foolish—who am I kidding—that girl is the only thing that would ever matter to you.

(~*~)

It is dismissal already and I'm sitting in the fields all alone, up in a tree where no one would find me. There's this girl named Shiki who talks to me all the time, but I didn't feel like chatting today. I look around aimlessly, wanting to just disappear from this world and fade unnoticed. Then something catches my eye. A flash of pale color flickers at the corner of my eye. Snapping my head to the side, I see amethyst gems capture the sunlight and reflect it dazzlingly, possibly even brighter than the sun itself. Though they are at a distance, they are drawing nearer at a quicker pace. I squint harder and I see the face of an angel running towards my direction. It's… it's you.

I almost smile for a while but the moment I do it falters and breaks, and the strange fluttering feeling in me is quickly washed over by a pain that shoots and ricochets through my chest, right in the middle of my heart. Only one thing can cause such accurate precision like a freshly sharpened knife, and a lone tear runs down my face upon seeing the very thing I loathed the most and wished to disappear from because of hatred and fear: her. As the two of you come closer, I could hear the sweet melody of your laughter riding swiftly with the wind as she trails along behind. There you are again with that girl you play games with, who's laughing so sweetly and kind. Her innocence is like the best- tasting wine; once you've had a sip you could never get out. I wish, I wish— but that's all I've ever known to do. Besides, giving someone pleasure without getting too serious and forgetting all about them is all I'm ever worth for, right?

Slowly, a drop falls, followed by one, then another. The blade I set deeply into my skin, as an extra reminder of the only thing that could've ever enjoyed my company—pain. The lines slowly dribble with blood, and I run a long line lengthwise along my forearm. The warm blood seeps through the skin, gushing out abundantly and unhesitating like how fresh water springs out of the earth. Then everything breaks loose inside my mind, and I fall into berserk as I slash my skin repeatedly and fiercely, drenching the whole of my arm, my uniform, and my razor in blood. I bite my lip to keep myself from screaming, and this time it works, only that blood is drawn out again. I don't know how much blood I've lost this month, but who the fuck cares?

I then stop after my arm is as red as the apples on the tree, taking deep shaky breaths before admiring the masterpiece in front of me. Your laughter is ringing so loudly in my ears, and it seems so foolish to be spying, but how can I stop—if we're just a step close when we're thousands of miles apart? Directly below me is the angel that swooped me off my feet and dropped me back down hard on the ground. My eyes catch sight of your name forever engraved on my wrist, and without a second thought I stab right on the spot and retrace the lines with care. After all, no one likes something that's too stale and faded for their liking, right? So deep are the cuts embedded into my skin that it looks as if I've written on it with ruby ink.

The blood just keeps dripping and one tiny little drop rolls off my arm and falls down far below. With a tiny splash it lands on the fair skin of the lady who has long since claimed you for her own. She stops and fingertips graze lightly on her cheek.

_"Hmmm, what's this?" _A sweet voice that rivaled a lullaby asks concernedly. The owner of the voice wipes off the blood from her face clean and his fingers stay a split second too long.

_"Huh? Oh, where did this come from?" _She takes a clean handkerchief and wipes the remaining streak of blood off completely.

You look up into the trees, as if searching for not a source, but rather an answer. I sit still and silent, letting the sound of the rustling leaves mask my presence. How I long to climb down and just kiss you so that I could rid myself of the never subsiding pain, how I long for you to take me to where it would just be the two of us trapped in eternity. I just stay like a hidden shadow obscured by twining branches that hold me back when I want to get closer, trying to be content with being limited to the restriction of only watching you. I don't even breathe because I don't find the need to. You look up right where I sit, but it hurts to know that I matter so little because you just look right through me.

Finally, you break off your gaze and just turn back to her. You can never really tear your gaze from her, can you?

_"Hm. Probably it's just a sign of the apocalypse."_ You shrug it off with a flash of that beautiful smile I longed for you to show me.

_"What?"_ At first she just looks at you, and then there's a twinkle in her eyes and she just smiles. _She just— smiles at you with those eyes. _And then she breaks out into a soft laughter as she punches you lightly on the arm. _"Stop being so corny!"_

_"Aw, but I thought you said you liked it when I crack corny jokes," _you reply with a cheeky grin while pinching her cheek. And for a short while none of you say anything, and then you both laugh out loud and push each other around.

Please tell me this isn't real—that you're laughing and smiling with her those same false smiles you show me. Tell me that what you feel for her is something else from what gleams in your eyes. I don't want to believe this is real, so please just whisk me off to our happy ending. You don't really mean it when you tell her you love her, do you?

As I continue to watch the two of you bask in the happiness that I could never give you, the insides of my chest are being ripped up badly in an excruciatingly slow manner. Burning tears slide down my face, and their saltiness only adds to the misery that's pooling inside me and filling my whole being with the torment that it brings. I just cry and cry, scratching my skin with my long nails colored with red nail polish that's already chipped and getting worn off. They only make faint lines compared to the cuts that wouldn't stop bleeding, so I sink the nails in harder, deeper. When they do, I force the flesh to be torn little by little, causing wounds that I never despised. I could only hope of doing the last thing so that my attention would be forced away from you: I could only drown your laughter in my cries of sadness and self-infliction of pain. I could only hurt myself even more just so the anguish would ebb away and my bleeding heart would find some other kind of comfort in it.

Why, why, why? I just couldn't understand why I loved you so much even if you didn't. Why, why, why? I just couldn't understand why I force myself to live in a nonexistent fairytale with you when you'd just slap me back into reality again.

Soon enough your laughter dies out, but the pain recedes only a bit. I see you walking on the street with her, your hands almost touching one another's. Did you feel my heart wrench completely at the sight of your happiness?

_"Yoshiya?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"Will it ever… be us?"_

_"Rhyme…"_

I felt so angry, and all of the emotions bottled inside me were about to explode a second time the instant I saw that moment in front of my eyes.

_"…I loved you, but… we could never be the same again. I'm sorry."_

_"Oh—it's alright…" _She just looks at you and gives you a small smile.

Still, I continue to watch your every step as you vanish into the entrance of the school once more. I find myself still staring at the point where you disappeared, and I relaxed a tiny fraction, only for the suffering to crash back down on me again. It hurt so much, and I wanted to just melt into nothing but static, where I belong with the forgotten. Lunging for my nearby bag, I pull out a bottle of tequila I had snuck in with me today. I couldn't help myself, and as I took a long, deep swig, taking in all of the flavor and electric bursts it had to bring to ease the pain, I remember how you looked at the bar when you drank a huge amount of alcohol. I remember how you looked so fucking beautiful despite the bloodshot eyes and disheveled hair, and I remember fetching you that bottle of tequila from behind the counter like I always did for customers. You were so beautiful yet I knew nothing of you—there was an angel sitting in front of me. Your eyes pierced through me and it sent the pieces of my heart flying so easily every time our gazes locked. Upon reminiscing about it, I cry again in remorse and sorrow. I keep wailing endlessly my song of regret, my song that has become my lullaby when you weren't there. I drink down almost a half of the bottle before I get completely dazed and tipsy, and I fall off the branch that I'm sitting on. I crash with a loud thud, but no one seems to notice that almost half my body is soaked in blood, and I'm drunk with alcohol and depression. The pain that grows doesn't hurt; I'm very much used to physical pain already. Making my way to the school entrance, I stumble along the footpath, ignoring the stares and whispers of other students, if they ever did see me.

* * *

_A purple butterfly, lying on your right shoulder_

* * *

_Why do you keep spending your time with her when I could give you so much more?_

I break into a sprint as I enter the huge double-doors, looking for where you might be. I desperately search room after room, banging doors open and shoving past the few students and people. All I want is to be with you again; is that even too much to ask?

* * *

_Kiss me gently in the corner of this room_

* * *

_Doesn't you heart ache and long for me as I do for you?_

At last I reach a door in the hallway which I kick open, half-expecting even in my drunk state that you wouldn't be there, but to my surprise, you were. I freeze and I look up to see the same angelic face smiling at me. Despite being only partially aware of my surroundings, I can comprehend enough to recognize the boxes and plastics littered around. Before I say anything, you cut me off.

"Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm just helping Rhyme unpack. She came in last week when you were in the hospital; she'll be teaching here starting Thursday."

I only look up in confusion, and you giggle lightly before reaching behind you and producing a small brown envelope. Wordlessly, you hand it over and I see the writing on the other side. It's addressed to Sanae.

"Here's the money back; please, take it and give it back to Sanae. I only charged him so as not to raise suspicion. I see that I've caused you much trouble and chagrin. As for you Neku, what were you going to say?" you finish with another giggle.

* * *

_I'll teach you what it's like to feel pain_

* * *

_What would it take just to show you how much you make me hurt from dropping me from Zenith to Tartarus?_

I only lock the door behind me and pull down the blinds on the window before moving up to you. I knew that if we did it again, I was going to get hurt, but I would do anything to satisfy you and make you love me. No matter the cost, I'll gladly pay the price.

I push you down on the smooth surface of the wooden table, and I set the bottle of tequila beside you. I lean in close, so close that your sweet breath wafts over and just makes me want to fall into a trance with you. I press my lips on yours gently, softly, clinging on the very last strand of hope I would ever have. Slowly, your tongue slides in and starts prodding on mine before sliding across it and providing pleasure while tasting every part of me. Then reluctantly, I pull back for some air, and I look straight into your eyes.

* * *

_Sounds of a piano rebounded, dissonance in my head_

* * *

_That's alright, just keep pressing repeat until the music player breaks._

I grind my body closer, and I press my hips into yours seductively. I put up a hand and hold your tie, running my fingers over the smooth silk before moving it to the knot and undoing it carefully. The black tie slips to the floor with a small tug, and I start undoing the buttons of your shirt without ever breaking eye contact. It's happening all over again, but I'd rather blind myself with the hope that you might still love me rather than let the chance slip away. I rest my forehead against yours and whisper in a soft, almost imperceptible voice,

"Please love me. Please."

And with that you pop off the lid of the bottle you took hold of seconds ago and consume a considerably large amount of it. Unmindful of the cuts all over my skin that was once perfect and the blood that stained once pure flesh, you undo all the buttons of my uniform before placing your hands under my shirt and wrapping your arms around me to pull me closer. You plant one soft, feathery kiss on my lips, and flash me that devilish, beautiful Cheshire grin.

-END-


End file.
